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5 Stages of Emotions You May Experience When Going Through
a Divorce
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By: XSTILLA.COM
Everyone experiences a myriad of emotions when they're going through a divorce. It doesn't matter if you made the decision to leave or your spouse did. The fact of the matter is that divorces are a life changing event. By understanding the different stages of emotions one goes through during the process, you'll be better able to handle it. So, without further adieu, here are the stages of emotions.
Denial: At first, some people are in a state if disbelief, either that their spouse is filing for a divorce, or that they're finally going through with the long awaited process. You may simply feel as if your spouse is threatening, or refuse to believe him or her. You may think that things will get back to normal or back to the way they were. You may even refuse to discuss it with your spouse because you think it's all going to go away. This is a very heart wrenching process, and as your denial begins to fade and you begin to believe that your spouse is not simply putting on a show, you will most likely start to be angry.
If you are the one who has asked for the divorce, and your spouse is in denial, there are a few things you can do. While the marriage may be over, you don't want to damage your spouse any more than he or she already is and you don't want any more damage, either. Let them know exactly how you feel if the marriage is over. Don't give them any sort of false hope at all that the two of you will reconcile. This will only lengthen the healing process and make things harder. Simply be as honest as you can and if you remain truthful, your partner will soon understand that you're not playing games or 'bluffing.'
Anger: Both anger and resentment are common emotions as a marriage is nearing its end, particularly if one or both spouses are unfaithful, or there are unresolved issues that aren't being dealt with. At this point, you're as angry as ever and you want some answers. How could your spouse do this to you after all you have been through? You are wondering this and many other questions and you may feel the urge to lash out. Anger is definitely a normal reaction when you are going through an emotional situation like this, but remember to act logically as you don't want more issues on top of the existing ones. By this time, you are feeling the full effects of what might happen when you are divorced. You may begin to be fearful or worried, and you might feel as though you would do anything to save the marriage and this is the point where many people begin bargaining.
Sure, if you asked for a divorce, your spouse is going to go through the natural anger process. Although sometimes a separation has already occurred by this point, other times the couple is still under the same roof, or have to see each other regularly because of the children. There are a few ways that you can deal with your spouse's anger. One of those ways is to remain as calm as you can. When you become angry in return, you are doing nothing but fanning the flames.
However, remaining calm takes some of the fury out of the fire and will result in your partner getting over their anger more quickly. Simply apologize that things didn't work out and leave it at that. If you can find this clarity of mind when you are dealing with an angry spouse, you will have better control and you can deal with the situation more easily.
Bargaining: If one spouse has been emotionally blindsided by divorce, it's not unusual for bargaining to begin, vowing to change, or insisting they'll "fix" whatever it is that's wrong with the marriage. You are on an emotional rollercoaster and you begin to think of ways to salvage what's left of your troubled marriage and you present those things to your spouse in an attempt to make him or her stop the divorce proceedings. You might insist that you can become what they want you to be and that you can make things better. You may tell your spouse that you will make it up to them. This is most definitely a heartbreaking time for both you and most likely, your spouse. The thing is that you don't want to 'be what they want you to be.' You want to be who you are! Many couples experience understanding this years later and being somewhat grateful that things turned out the way they did. If your spouse continues to refuse to yield to your pleas, you may become very depressed.
If your spouse is the one who is bargaining, it can be very difficult for both of you. Many times the spouse who is seeking the divorce will feel guilty when their spouse begins bargaining. If you stay out of guilt, you have not only done a disservice to yourself but to your spouse as well. One thing you can do in order to help yourself and your spouse at a time like this is to simply be honest. Let them know that the marriage is over and that no amount of bargaining can change that. Even if they change this or stop doing that, it's still over. This may hurt your spouse at the time, but it's better than letting them think that you can reconcile, or staying simply because you have a history and you don't want them to be hurt.
Depression: Once the reality the marriage is indeed coming to an end, a state of depression usually sets in along with feelings of hopelessness or a deep sense of loss. There is a sharp, lonely feeling or an overwhelmingly deep ache that most people experience at this time. You might not be sure if you can make it without your spouse. You may even experience physical symptoms at this time. You might be unable to sleep, or feel like sleeping all the time. You might feel achy, sick and exhausted. This is quite possibly the hardest of all 5 steps that you will experience, because with depression, each day feels like a month. You probably feel as if you will never be happy again, but as you begin to accept what happened, you will understand that this stage will pass.
If your spouse is the one who is dealing with the depression, there isn't much that you can do. The best thing you can do is recommend that they get help, or speak with one of their family members that you may be close with. Explain to the family member that your spouse might need help to deal with their depression. Most of the time, depression that is the result of a divorce will come and go naturally but sometimes the individual needs a bit of extra help to get through it. Do what you can by suggesting that they get help and that is all that you can do.
Acceptance: After some time has passed and you've been allowed to heal and really address your feelings about the divorce, a sense of acceptance will take over as you realize it's better to accept the situation for what it is, and continue living your life for you. You realize that things will go on and that you will be okay. You may even notice some benefits now to getting divorced. You understand with a wiser thought process what happened between you and your spouse and you know that you are going to be alright.
Just know that you are undergoing a period of extreme life change. What was once considered a partnership is now changing. Then, once you realize that part of your partnership is ending, you may feel distraught and uncertain. You may wonder how you’ll ever get over the pain and hurt. On the other hand, you may experience feelings of excitement and peace. You may view divorce as a new beginning of sorts, the chance to start anew – to start fresh.
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