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Cheating Spouses: Learning How to Trust Again
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By: XSTILLA.COM
An adulterous affair doesn't always have to mean the end of a marriage, but instead may serve as a rather loud wake-up call indicating the relationship is in serious danger. The first step in beginning the often lengthy process of reestablishing trust and repairing emotional damage that usually occurs after an affair, requires that both spouses are willing to do whatever is necessary to salvage their relationship.
The chances that a marriage will survive after infidelity largely depends on the unfaithful spouse and how much they're willing to do to earn their partner's trust once again. After agreeing that the marriage is indeed worth saving, the unfaithful spouse must also agree to end the affair and completely break off all contact with the third party, if they haven't already done so.
Patience must be a constant when coping with the effects of infidelity, and trust must be earned, rather than magically bestowed upon the other person. Even if someone desperately wants to trust, respect, and believe in their partner again, it still may take years to get to the level that was present before the affair happened.
Both spouses must also be willing to discuss everything openly and honestly, asking and answering questions without arguing or expressing irritation. While it's natural for one to have insecurities and plenty of uncertainty after being betrayed, the real test begins with the other partner's reactions to this, and how willing they are to demonstrate their remorse and their commitment to being trustworthy again.
Avoid getting stuck in playing the "blame game" by repeatedly using your spouse's affair as ammunition or as a reason to start arguments. Without reverting to placing blame or acting childish, openly discuss one another's feelings, trying to discover whose needs aren't being met and why, delving deeper until the real root of the problem is finally revealed.
If it doesn’t seem possible to have a civilized or productive conversation without arguing or making any real progress, don't hesitate to seek professional counseling. Regardless of how well you think you may be dealing with the situation, a trained counselor or therapist has the experience and knowledge necessary to help reestablish trust, and offer specific guidance for rebuilding a loving, healthy marital foundation.
Whether it means being able to take a vacation, scheduling "dates" with each other, or even just setting aside some time at the end of every day to really touch base and share the details of your day, any regular effort to keep some closeness an integral part of the marriage will make a positive difference.
During the healing process, it's important to find ways of reconnecting with each other, bringing romance back into the marriage, along with caring, affection, and sense of unity and togetherness. It's a proven fact that couples who don't spend enough quality alone time together are more likely to drift further apart.
When all is said and done, honestly ask yourself if this one transgression, albeit a rather large one, is enough to negate all of the happy memories and love that's been shared. If the answer is no, work together to keep your marriage alive making it stronger than it ever was before.
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gonegolfing
May 23, 2008 at 01:07PM
