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Strengthening the Bond with Your New Stepchildren
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By: XSTILLA.COM
It's often been said that parenting is the hardest job in the world, next to step parenting of course. In many instances, it may take months, even years to develop a solid foundation between stepparents and stepchildren. Regardless of the timeframe, the main goal is to reinforce the fact that the new marriage doesn't change how important the children are, or take away from how much they are loved by everyone.
To facilitate the process and ease the initial period of adjustment that follows when becoming a stepparent, respect the child's privacy and the right to accept the situation on their terms, at their own, individual pace. Keep in mind that the decision to divorce, or to remarry, had nothing to do with the children, so resist the urge to expect them to be as thrilled as you are when beginning your new lives together.
It's natural for children of divorced parents to go through a period that's similar to one of mourning. Children commonly experience a sense of loss for a variety of reasons, which may begin with not wanting their parents to get a divorce in the first place. A change in residence, or living arrangements, as well as the arrival of step-siblings may all also contribute to a wide array of feelings ranging from insecurity and uncertainty, to jealousy, anger, or sadness.
Acknowledging what your stepchildren are going through and validating their feelings will show that you truly understand and appreciate the situation from their point of view, not just your own. Over time, this builds a sense of trust and security that every child needs.
Establishing a sense of trust is especially important with adolescent or teenaged children. As a general rule, the older the child, the longer it will take to build trust and a healthy relationship. In many cases, a parent-child bond may never form, which doesn't necessarily mean that anyone is at fault, or that the stepparent is a failure for not achieving the coveted parental status, but rather may be due to a variety of extenuating circumstances.
Establishing your role within the household when children are involved means more than stepping in and becoming a primary disciplinarian. The biological parent must first set forth the ground rules and inform the children that they are to respect you and be courteous just as they would with any other adult. Gradually, and with the parent's guidance and support, assert your position as the other adult in the household and slowly begin to assume a disciplinary role.
Spending time together as a family is an excellent way to build new traditions and allow a sense of closeness to develop between the child and stepparent. Often times children feel uncomfortable in one-on-one situations and will fare best in group activities until they’ve had some time to adjust to their new, blended family.
It's also important to keep your marriage a priority and at the forefront of both of your lives. Schedule dates and private alone time with one another, learn the best ways of effectively communicating, and nurture your relationship on a daily basis. All children, regardless of who the biological parents are, have the best opportunity to thrive in an environment that's rich with love, understanding, and plenty of patience.
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