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Important Questions to Ask Yourself If You Are Considering a Divorce
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By: XSTILLA.COM
The decision to get a divorce is undoubtedly one that has the potential to impact the rest of your life and is, of course, one not to be taken lightly. For this reason, regardless of how sure you think you may feel right now, or how soon you want things to be settled, take the time to assess your relationship as objectively as possible before making any permanent decisions. Being completely sure now can save you from making a mistake based on anger, impulse or some other spur of the moment reason. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. Do you still love your spouse, and if so, in what capacity? - Most of us have heard instances of someone who has declared the dreaded statement, "I still love him, but I'm not in love anymore." It is possible for one's feelings to diminish or change in capacity, especially if there are children involved. Often people still feel a special bond because of their children, but don't have the same intense feelings of love and closeness they once shared. If this is the case, be honest with yourself and your spouse for everyone's benefit. Being honest can really be very difficult. However, it's the right thing to do and it will save you heartache in the long run.
2. Do you want to save your marriage and what can you do make this happen? After being completely honest, you may find that you not only still care for yourself but that you really do love and care about them and want to make your marriage work. If so, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to try and bridge the conflict that caused you to question your commitment. By delving deep into your feelings and recommitting yourself to your partner, you may find that you are able to mend the gap. In some instances, you’ll find that professional counseling is needed. If so, a counselor can help you work through feelings and improve your relationship.
Be advised that saving your marriage will only work if you’re both on board with the staying together plan. If one of you has already left either physically or mentally or doesn’t want to save your marriage, you may find that it simply isn’t possible for the two of you to stay together. In this case, separation or divorce may in fact be the only option that you have.
3. Are you really serious about getting a divorce, or are you merely threatening? - Anger, frustration and other problems within a marriage often cause one to immediately seek a divorce instead of thoroughly weighing all of their options first. Many people make the mistake of threatening divorce in the hopes of finally getting the attention of their spouse, or as a way of controlling, or having power over the other person. If it truly is a divorce that you want, act responsibly and follow the proper steps instead of playing immature mind games with both of your feelings.
If you’re really just angry at your spouse, you should sleep on it – for several nights. You need to really think about your life without your spouse and if you’re granted a divorce. Will you want to have your spouse back? Will you be relieved? Examine your true feelings, reflect on your relationship and really decide what you want.
4. What is the motivating factor behind your initial decision to get a divorce? - Ask yourself what first gave you the idea of filing for divorce. Is it an emotional reaction to a recent incident? Are there a culmination of events and issues that are causing you to believe that divorce is the only answer? Are you seeking a divorce because of an infidelity? Do you no longer share the passion that you once felt? Depending upon your answer, your thoughts may change. You may decide that the best thing would be for the two of you to enter counseling or some kind of marital therapy. Should you ultimately decide that you do want a divorce, at least you would have really given the issue much thought.
5. Have you fully thought of the short and long term consequences of divorce? – There’s no doubt about it, the traditional divorce process can be mentally and physically exhausting. Plus, if you have children, it can be a complete nightmare. Although seeking the services of a qualified mediator or completing the process yourself will make the process easier, divorce still has consequences. Therefore, when you’re thinking about divorcing your spouse, think about the consequences for you, your spouse and your children as well.
6. Do you have a support system in place? As previously indicated the divorce process isn’t easy and it can be physically and emotionally exhausting to say the least. Therefore, you’ll need a lot of emotional support as you’re going through the process. This can come from friends, family, clergy, or a divorce support group. By getting support, you’ll be more likely to successfully deal with your range of emotions and host of issues as well.
7. Will you be able to handle everything with maturity, and be able to move on? The attitude you have when you come to the conclusion that divorce is the right answer will usually foretell how the rest of your life will be once everything is final. Ending a marriage with resentment, unresolved issues and feelings of bitterness will often permeate every other aspect of your life, having a snowball effect. This is especially the truth when there are children involved. You want to be sure that you can be as civil and preferably as friendly as the two of you can be so that nothing between the two of you affects your children. Never adopt the role of the victim, regardless of who is initiating the divorce as it is you and you only that's capable of controlling your ultimate happiness.
8. Do you understand the divorce process and are you prepared to handle it? The very nature of the traditional divorce process views marriage as a legally binding contract and a divorce as the un-building and undoing of this legally binding contract. The goal of divorce using traditional litigation means is to secure the biggest win for each partner. As such, divorces can be extremely adversarial. In fact, many traditional divorce lawyers use hard-core tactics to pit the couple against each other in order to secure the best win for their client. Therefore, if you decide to go with a traditional divorce, you must realize this beforehand.
9. Are you financially able to handle a divorce? Divorces can be downright expensive. In fact, they can be economically damaging. Consider these facts when thinking about whether divorce is the best option:
US divorces cost the country $33 billion annually or $312.00 per household;
The average American divorce costs our state and federal governments roughly $35,000 which includes Medicaid payments, public housing and food stamp costs.
For most couples, divorce costs between $5,000- $20,000 depending on the type of divorce (litigated, mediated or do-it-yourself).
10. Can you live with your decision? Whether you decide to stay or go, you have to be wiling to live with your decision. Either way, your life can be significantly impacted and regardless of what you decide, you have to be able to live with your decision. No one else can made this decision for you. It is entirely up to you.
Once you have answered these 10 questions, you can better determine whether or not a divorce is right for you. Regardless of your decision, you can take comfort in knowing that you’ve taken some time and really thought about your relationship and the rationale behind your decision and haven’t made it based on haste or anger.
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