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Helping Your Children Cope with the Divorce Process
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By: XSTILLA.COM
We know that divorce can often be a confusing and frightening time for children, so it's important to put their needs first and foremost in order to alleviate their fears and ensure they still feel safe and secure, even if mom and dad are no longer together. In this article, we’ll discuss how you can help your children cope with the divorce process.
The first thing you'll want to address, regardless of your child's age, is that they are NOT the reason for the end of the marriage in any way, shape, or form. Convey this to them in whatever manner it takes in order to be absolutely sure they realize that the divorce has nothing to do with them and will not change how either parent feels about them.
Here are a few easy things you can do to help your children cope during this time of emotional upheaval:
Maintain the same schedule:
Children need a sense of familiarity and continuity to feel secure. Even if you've already begun to share custody and the child is spending time in separate homes now, try your best to keep them on the same schedules regarding bedtime, and provide them with as much normalcy as possible during this transitional phase. The children should be allowed to keep their bedrooms the same, and if possible, have a new room of their own when one parent moves out.
Also, be sure they always have access to their familiar belongings. As hard as it may be, it's important that Mom and Dad work together in order to make their children's lives and the transition easier. The children need to understand that both their Mom and Dad will be there for them, and that everything will be alright, even though their parents are divorced. Do what you can to keep things as consistent as possible, as this is a large part of a child's feeling of security.
Provide plenty of attention, love, and also discipline:
During a divorce, many children will test their parent's limits, which is usually done as a means of getting attention, even if it is negative attention. This coupled with the fact that parents often feel guilty for getting a divorce in the first place, and discipline usually gets put to the wayside. Just as children need familiarity and continuity in their lives, they also need discipline and boundaries.
Be sure that both of you are willing to follow the same set of rules, maintaining consistency in both households. In order to counter their need for attention, (no matter what kind) give your child extra attention during this time. Do things with them so that they can have some fun in the midst of so much emotional pain. Spend a little more time with them before they go to bed, talking, reading or doing something else together so that your child will feel closer. This may also keep them from acting out in order to gain attention.
Keep Conflicts Private:
Children have no business being involved in adult conflicts or problems. All too often they are subjected to issues and events that have a negative, lasting impact on their emotional well being and development during the breakdown of a marriage, or worse, used as pawns or as a means of leverage during the divorce. Children are too young and emotionally immature to deal with some of the adult things they might see or hear during a divorce. If I can stress one thing that is of utter importance, it is this point.
Children should never hear one parent putting down another parent. They should never be asked to take sides in any sort of argument whatsoever. They should never know anything specific that is going on between their parents. Mom should do what she can to make sure that the children understand that Dad does love them very much and Dad should do whatever he can to ensure that the children know that Mom loves them very much as well.
Putting down the other parent or trying to get the children to take sides will only hurt the child and may even make them resent you as they grow older. Let children be children and think of children things! Do whatever is necessary to protect them from the specifics of the divorce, and consider family counseling if your children are having difficulty coping.
Don’t overindulge your children.
In some instances parents try to compensate their children with material things in order to prove their love for them. Although it is normal for you to want to give your child the best and demonstrate your love, it is absolutely important that you don’t overindulge them in an effort to prove yourself. Instead, you can spend time with your child. Many times, the feeling of guilt makes parents want to purchase things for their children. Here's a bit of advice. When children don't have enough time with their children, it creates a hole in their life.
This hole can never be filled with material things – whether it's toys, clothes, games or anything else. The only thing that can fill this hole is more time with parents and love and attention. So, if you feel the urge to overindulge your children with material things, take a second and step back from the situation. What are your reasons for purchasing these things? If it stems from a sense of guilt, instead of purchasing things for your children, spend more time with them. You could take them to a park and play for a while, see a movie, cuddle up on the couch and read stories or something similar. This will help get rid of the guilty feeling you have and you will not have to face the often ugly consequences of overindulging your child.
You can help your children cope and be well-adjusted, happy children if you follow the advice above and be sure to offer plenty of love and attention. Because children are so in-tune with the way the adults are feeling, your children will be as ok as you are.
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